for all the moms out there

You know all of those things your mom said or did as you were growing up and you swore, "I will never do that!"? I have been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions- shock, confusion, regret, denial- as I find myself doing some of those very things I swore I would never do. The other day Carter and I ran into the grocery store after school to grab a couple necessities before going home. I literally only needed two items, so I didn't get a basket and Carter just walked next to me. I hurried to dairy, grabbed the milk, then blew past all the other aisles until I got to bread. For some reason there was a little hesitation on what loaf to grab, giving Carter time to find something he wanted, even though I clearly explained we were running in and out and not to ask for anything. He said "Ooh Mommy, I really love these!"
"No, Carter." I said as I pulled my loaf off the shelf and began walking toward the check-out. "But Mommy, wait-" Carter began and I saw him pull some forbidden choice off the shelf and begin to run after me. And that's when it happened. I did something I thought I wouldn't, couldn't, ever do. No, not spank my child in public. Not put a random item on the wrong shelf. It was this noise. "Eh, eh, eh!" This unforgettable, shrill, almost eery sound that would so quickly come out of my mother's mouth when I was about to do something wrong and she caught me, like when she would see me out of the corner of her eye about to taunt my little brother in the backseat of her minivan. The noise would paralyze me, preventing me from acting out whatever juvenile crime I was even giving thought to committing. And when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carter take that item off the shelf and put that first foot out like he was going to run it to me, I spun around, and that noise came out of my mouth. I noticed it immediately, but I was going to pretend I didn't do it. I told Carter to put the goods back on the shelf and reminded him how we talked about not asking for anything right before we came in. I turned back around to continue to check-out and was startled by an older woman, just standing there smiling at me. I flashed a quick smile and thought I would continue on until she said, "It's just natural, isn't it, when you're a mom." It was a question said more like a statement, to which I responded, "What?" I knew exactly what she was talking about. I wished I didn't, but I did.

"That sound." she said. And she just kept smiling and pushed her basket past me.

And then there were those emotions. Shock, confusion, regret, denial, and then just laughter. I am such a mom.